So homeless
9:34 Arrive in Toronto
9:58 I begin drinking straight gin
11:33 I am fucking hammered
12:04 Arrive at Queenshead
12:26 Extremely drunk girl reeking of Bounce sheets begins grinding in my general direction, I refuse to grind with her, but she doesn't leave.
1:38 I am certifiably too drunk to stand up. The music isn't very good, except now they're playing DFA1979 - Sexy Results, which I surprisingly like a lot [the mstrkrft mix, otherwise no]. I resolve to continue standing up through this one song.
2:04 We gather on the street corner to commence leaving the bar. Bounce girl approaches me. Inquires if I am the guy from Anagram. I am. Do I play bass? I play the theremin. And I'm the lead singer. She says that Chris, another member of Anagram, is a really shitty guy. I explain that Ben is our producer and he fired him last week. When asked if she knows what Anagram means, she says yes, but really doesn't. She is severely made fun of. She wants to go home with me. There is no way that is happening. Ben begins to fake-grind her as she is talking to me about coming home. She turns around: "I can't look at you, because then I think of sex, and I think with you being the producer, and the whole Chris situation..." We nearly die laughing. Avery, as she is about to leave: "One last question... is it Bounce?" She says no. It's fucking Bounce. She can't remember what it actually is (because she is literally wearing Bounce sheets).
2:28 We're rid of Bounce girl & getting pizza. I don't need pizza. I buy two slices. Ben decides suddenly that he is homeless (and later) mentally handicapped. He tells a patron this. "I am under 24 and homeless" Josh at that point tosses Ben out of the pizza joint and on the rainy street. Woman who's been touched by Ben's story gets angry at this, proceeds to curse at us ad infinitum, remarks that we all have nice clothes and good haircuts (not true) and thus don't know what it's like. This woman could be homeless. Avery: "He's homeless, he can't pay for pizza" This infuriates her. A potentially homeless man on the street offers Ben the protection of the 20 or so homeless fellows in the area. Ben at this point begins to act mentally challenged and runs off somewhere. We decide to leave. Crazy-ass woman won't stop hollering at us. She chases us down and does an 'affluent dance', which involves jumping up and down and yelling things like "oooh, I have a place to sleep tonight, aren't I special? Aren't I smart? We should just gas those homeless people, they're no good" No one in our group expected this. We are shocked. I recover and join the dance. I start jumping up and down, adding "I'm also better because I recycle" and throw my cardboad plate in someone's blue bin. We contemplate calling Ben's celly and having him pick it up in front of all the homeless-defenders. We do this, but he's out of sight. He then runs by, retarded, with some kind of pole he found in some alley. Josh chases him down. I don't know what happend after that, I was near-comatose from laughing. I think we had a pizza crust thrown at us (it missed).
I feel somewhat horrible for the above, as the people who were screaming at us actually had an honourable cause.
9:58 I begin drinking straight gin
11:33 I am fucking hammered
12:04 Arrive at Queenshead
12:26 Extremely drunk girl reeking of Bounce sheets begins grinding in my general direction, I refuse to grind with her, but she doesn't leave.
1:38 I am certifiably too drunk to stand up. The music isn't very good, except now they're playing DFA1979 - Sexy Results, which I surprisingly like a lot [the mstrkrft mix, otherwise no]. I resolve to continue standing up through this one song.
2:04 We gather on the street corner to commence leaving the bar. Bounce girl approaches me. Inquires if I am the guy from Anagram. I am. Do I play bass? I play the theremin. And I'm the lead singer. She says that Chris, another member of Anagram, is a really shitty guy. I explain that Ben is our producer and he fired him last week. When asked if she knows what Anagram means, she says yes, but really doesn't. She is severely made fun of. She wants to go home with me. There is no way that is happening. Ben begins to fake-grind her as she is talking to me about coming home. She turns around: "I can't look at you, because then I think of sex, and I think with you being the producer, and the whole Chris situation..." We nearly die laughing. Avery, as she is about to leave: "One last question... is it Bounce?" She says no. It's fucking Bounce. She can't remember what it actually is (because she is literally wearing Bounce sheets).
2:28 We're rid of Bounce girl & getting pizza. I don't need pizza. I buy two slices. Ben decides suddenly that he is homeless (and later) mentally handicapped. He tells a patron this. "I am under 24 and homeless" Josh at that point tosses Ben out of the pizza joint and on the rainy street. Woman who's been touched by Ben's story gets angry at this, proceeds to curse at us ad infinitum, remarks that we all have nice clothes and good haircuts (not true) and thus don't know what it's like. This woman could be homeless. Avery: "He's homeless, he can't pay for pizza" This infuriates her. A potentially homeless man on the street offers Ben the protection of the 20 or so homeless fellows in the area. Ben at this point begins to act mentally challenged and runs off somewhere. We decide to leave. Crazy-ass woman won't stop hollering at us. She chases us down and does an 'affluent dance', which involves jumping up and down and yelling things like "oooh, I have a place to sleep tonight, aren't I special? Aren't I smart? We should just gas those homeless people, they're no good" No one in our group expected this. We are shocked. I recover and join the dance. I start jumping up and down, adding "I'm also better because I recycle" and throw my cardboad plate in someone's blue bin. We contemplate calling Ben's celly and having him pick it up in front of all the homeless-defenders. We do this, but he's out of sight. He then runs by, retarded, with some kind of pole he found in some alley. Josh chases him down. I don't know what happend after that, I was near-comatose from laughing. I think we had a pizza crust thrown at us (it missed).
I feel somewhat horrible for the above, as the people who were screaming at us actually had an honourable cause.
posted by stan at 9:09 AM
4 Comments:
it's been pointed out to me that your times are awfully exact. You get that hot stenographer to record your every movement?
I actually hired a REAL homeless guy to do it.
I guess I can add to this story, as I was there. That bounce sheet ass bitch told me that I reminded her of sex,, and jokingly at one point outside of the conveinience store I stroked my moustache in her direction, at this point I must have been the physical embodiment of sex in one person, because after the stroke she made a 90 degree pivot and fell to the ground. At this point no one offered to pick her up, we didn't want to smell like bounce.
so funny, actually laughing out loud.
Post a Comment
<< Home